Captain T. Captain Mondays – Hi There, I Hope You’re As Sexy As I Am

As some of you may know I, The Lord Baron Joseph C.R. Vourteque, don’t particularly care to write these so called “blog posts”.  This I’m outsourcing them to people who have nothing better to do.  Unfortunately, one of those people happens to be a VERY distant relative of mine.  I suppose, though, you take what you can get on such occasion.  So every Monday hence my “interesting” relative, Captain T. Captain, will somehow entertain you with his thoughts.  If you can call them thoughts.

My gods!  So here we are, twenty five years after drugs became illegal.  Remember that?  I don’t!  Ha HA.  Gods, I still got it.  Mojo that is.

So I was asked to write a post for this website that’s about this guy who claims to know me.  No idea where he came from, maybe my mom’s sister!  Maybe MY sister, wait, I don’t think I have one.  Fantastic.  Family confusion at it’s FINEST.

Not sure what to write because I usually only write on napkins, and usually it’s my phone number!  I write it on napkins so people can find it and then call me.  Mostly so we can have sex, if they are, you know, a sexy lady.  If they’re a sexy something else we usually just become friends.  That’s mostly because it’s not the 1970s anymore and drugs are illegal.  Because of that I usually remember stuff now.  Tragic!

So let me tell you a little bit about myself.  I’m Captain T. Captain, the T is for “The”.  I come from a long line of Captains but I’m the only one with a boat.  Her name is Betty and she’s as sexy as an otter, a sea otter, a boat-like sea otter.  We travel the world with my friends; world traversing playboy Monteblanco Monteblon and sexy black guy Shockolate George.  We also do stuff!

Like, er… how about I write it in list form!

3. Partying

This page describes a party as “a gathering of people who have been invited by a host for the purposes of socializing, conversation, or recreation.”  Ha ha!  I don’t know who the people who write for this website are but I’m assuming they’re still living in their mothers’ BASEMENTS!  I just hope it’s a sexy mom-basement.  That’s right, sexy-mom-basement, sexy.

No, we ACTUALLY party.  As in on a boat.  And as in by doing lots of things I can’t legally write about here.  And as in inviting lots of SEXY ladies over.  After that we do more stuff, sexy stuff.  Sexy otter boat stuff.  Also, we cook food.  Because stamina is important.  My gods, so sexy.

We also invite political and religious dignitaries who can’t get it up on the boat.  They think they’re safe but then we laugh at them.  Why?  Why not I say!  We’re on a boat.  Atch-cha.

2.  Scotch

We drink a lot of scotch.  Why?  Because scotch is the drink of gentlemen and sexy sexy people like this random picture of a sexy lady I found on Google.  Does she drink scotch?  Damn straight she does!  How do I know?  Because I’ll give her scotch to drink when she realizes how sexy I think she is and then how sexy she knows I am and then she will contact me.  Then we can get sexy!  God damn!  Scotch.

Call me random Google lady!

Scotch is also delicious.  You may not know this but it’s from a place called Scot’s Land, a place I assume is full of people named Scott who make all of our delicious scotch.  Also, the process in which scotch is made is inCREDIBLY sexy.

See you got to MALT the barley, the sexy sexy barley.  To do this Scott has to go and do stuff to make sure the barley malts.  It’s a time consuming and complicated process.  That’s why it’s sexy, because I their ladies are starved for sex.  Sex I can offer them in exchange for scotch!  Also, everyone there IS named Scott and I’m named Captain.  That’s because I’m sexy.  My gods, otters.

1.  Sexy ladies

You may not know this but I love sexy ladies.  Neither I nor any of my crew discriminates.  Just the other day Skipper Velour had sex with three triple amputee south Pacific Islander ladies.  Why?  Because he’s Skipper Velour and because you are not.  See what I did there, now you want to be Skipper Velour.

Listen, ladies are sexy.  Even ladies agree that ladies are sexy.  Even steampunk space bounty hunters think ladies are sexyEven seminal 1990′s hard rock trio Mr. Big thinks ladies are sexy and they kind of look like ladies.    I don’t usually admit that last part.  I prefer seminal 1990s rock duo Savage Garden.  But we’re getting off the subject of sexy ladies.

I don’t like to get off of sexy ladies.

Ladies are sexy.  That is without a doubt.  So next time you see a lady who’s looking a little down do what I do.  Say, “hey there sexy lady, turn that from upside down!  Also, let’s have sex!”

It works every time.


Captain T. Captain




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4 Responses to "Captain T. Captain Mondays – Hi There, I Hope You’re As Sexy As I Am"
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